Six weeks later...

It’s been six weeks!!!

This thing is finally feeling like it sort of belongs there. It is a bump, to be sure. It’s tempting to touch, but I am usually sensitive to my own scars, so I can avoid it. Some people touch theirs so much that they tangle up or dislodge the wires inside, I’ve been told. It becomes a minor obsession, like twisting your hair, or biting your nails, or scratching the sunburnt tops of your feet. Not me, thankfully. But it is intriguing to touch it and to realize that something non-fleshy is in there. And it takes time to get over that feeling of violation—something is infiltrating and violating my sacred ME space (the inside of my body).

But I look at it as a protector of sorts. Without it, I know how crappy I feel. So what I need to do is accept it, embrace it, and move forward with my life, being grateful that I have the opportunity to enjoy every cup of coffee, every hike, every Chris Isaak concert, every moment with the people I love. Because I can!

I could certainly mope about limitations, things that can go wrong, things that HAVE gone wrong as documented by folks on the internet (that I won’t read), etc. As McWatt says to Yossarian in Heller’s Catch-22,

You know the difference between me and you?
Me? Happy, happy, happy, dead.
You? Worry, worry, worry, dead.
Don’t drag me into your shit, okay?

Here's the progression over the past six weeks:

You've seen this, the day of surgery.

Day 2!

Day 6...looking a little jaundiced in this light.

Day 13...steristrips looking ragged.

Day 17...they're off!

Day 42--what an amazing job!

Day 42: Different angle of the 'bump'.

My expectations for the “device check” appointment yesterday at the Cleveland Clinic were that I could bring my list of documented workouts, odd cardio-instances, and questions to the tech and find out whether we need to tweak this thing to better suit my needs currently, and moving forward, as I increase my exercise regimen without the limitations of the first six weeks after surgery.

I…must…have…been…mistaken. She checked that all was working properly, noted that the device fires basically every second of every day, and she tweaked the voltage to help with battery duration. Then she said we’re done, thank you!

Nu-uh. Me have questions.

Most of my questions were met with common sense answers that I had already come up with. I was looking for more specific, hospital-professional certified answers in order to become more active in my life. At this point, I still don’t know how hard I can play tennis or if I can even hit golf balls!

I also suspected that we would consider changing the sensitivity of the device. Currently, my personal setting is "Low-Moderate," meaning the device rather quickly picks up vibrations, thus speeding up the heart rate. My problem is that, whilst hiking the Cuyahoga Valley National Park a couple weeks ago, I decided to jog up a steep stair incline at Brandywine Falls with Grommit in tow (right) to test my mettle, and my heart rate was mid-90s. Seems like normally I would’ve hit 110s or 120s considering the effort I put into the climb.

However, if I lower the sensitivity even farther (to “Low” from Low-Moderate), what happens when I climb my stairs to go to bed? Will my HR increase dramatically, so when I’m lying in bed I can feel it pounding? "Low" is the penultimate lowest sensitivity setting. I can't remember the lowest setting...I think it was something like, "If You Scratch Your Head Your HR Will Go Up To 110". These questions weren't answered today. 

So, although physically I feel really good now, I’m still not sure what is next. I went into yesterday optimistic and excited, and came out of it feeling a bit forlorn and lost.

To try to get more answers, I went to my online Cleveland Clinic portal and emailed my surgeon last night. I had 1500 characters to tell him my thoughts to try to get some more specific answers. 

I feel a little better already just having gotten that off my chest. (Sorry, Dad joke.)

I'll be back here when I find out more! :)